Finding my way back to you
by Sophia.Love.Linstead
Summary: Picks up at 4x18. A story where Jay and Erin find their way back to each other, growing closer again as they discover their new dynamic and Erin learns about the hidden side of Jay. Starts with an attempt of the cut PTSD scene.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Hey guys, so firstly. I'm trying out third person. I don't know… do we prefer when I do first? Lol I feel this attempt wasn't very good lol  
**

 **Secondly, it's short – just trying to see if this is something people are interested in?**

 **A story where Jay and Erin find their way back to each other, not through long talks or a big confrontation. But inch by inch, growing closer again as they discover their new dynamic and Erin learns about the hidden side of Jay.**

Finding my way back to you

"Um, hey, look I don't want to have to tip toe around you at work. That's not us." Erin averts her eyes away from Jay, a slight nod his only sign she agrees.

"And I think I just need some time." Erin's hazel eyes are full of pain when they land on his.

"Yeah, I do too." When she takes in the pain showing in his blue orbs, she has to look away.

"Thank god for the job though, right? I mean, everyday you get to meet somebody whose problems are bigger than yours." A look flashes across Jay's face, he's wondering if she really believes that.

He sure doesn't, his own problems and their distance seems very real and big to him.

"Yeah, I guess so." He says it to appease her.

"I got her into a 90 day rehab facility, so I'm gonna go get her checked in."

"Erin." His voice is urgent, calling for her to halt her movements.

He takes in her head tilt and questioning eyes, a deep breath is needed before he can say what he wants to say.

"I'm going to a PTSD support group now." Erin's eyes blink, taken aback before they soften.

"Um." She watches as he knars at his bottom lip with his teeth.

"Um, I just. I should have dealt with everything before, but I didn't… it helps to listen to their stories, it's helping me to open up with others who are… going through this. I'm talking to people who saw what I saw, did what I did… and I need this."

"Jay." Erin takes half a step, faltering when all she wants to do is reach out.

"I just want you to know. You deserve an explanation. It's stirring up a lot from that time of my life… but I don't want this to be the end of us Erin."

"I don't know Jay, when you walked out…" Erin can't find the right words; his eyes take in her stance and step in.

"I hurt you, I know. I shouldn't have done it like that… I was confronted with my past and issues and I walked out."

"To handle them alone." Erin almost wishes she can take back her bitter tone at the expression on his face.

"I had to. What I went through over there… I need to do this alone. I need time and space to work through it."

"Okay." Erin's voice is firm, knowing she needs time to reconcile this version of Jay with the one she loves.

She looks at him unsure of how they can ever find their way back to each other again, now that so much has changed.

She's certain the time apart will kill things for them, time or space never being able to dull the spark they both feel, but his distance and her hurt will eat away at their trust and commitment.

"I don't want to be over. I want to come home one day." Jay's eyes are red rimmed as they plead with Erin, needing some sort of incentive.

"We'll see." She shrugs at him in typical Lindsay fashion before walking out quietly.

Jay's eyes follow her, almost more heartbroken then before but vowing that her two word promise is enough to see him through.

* * *

"Come on man." Jay's blue eyes land on his brothers harshly.

"No dude. I wont." He shakes his head at his brother's stupidity.

"Well we need to stay somewhere." Will's hands land in his lap with a thump as he turns his gaze out the window and into the dark night.

"I'm the one who left Erin, then I said I needed space. By this point I'd obviously hurt her enough she felt we need it too. I'm not turning up at her door. I won't do that to her." Will takes in his brothers tense posture before nodding finally.

"Fine, then where?"

"A hotel?"

"Dude, I can't afford that."

"Well maybe you should have thought about that before you moved in with Nina when you really wanted Natalie." Jay's accusation is biting causing Will's defenses to kick up.

"Maybe you should have thought about your PTSD before you moved in with Erin."

"Don't. Don't even compare the two." Jay's eyes are lethal, his tone sending chills down Will's spine.

"You're right, sorry bro." Jay notices the guilt on his brother's face and the trouble he has swallowing but just looks away, his hand slamming on the steering wheel angrily.

* * *

"Jay?" Jay's eyes fly up from staring at the carpet when the apartment door opens, revealing Erin in shorts and one of his shirts.

His eyes take in her messy hair and he's momentarily speechless by her beauty, he's almost breathless.

Jay shakes his head slightly as he reminds himself he once had this, had her. A hand comes up to run through his hair as he tells himself she's not his anymore.

"Hey. Can I come in for a minute?" Hesitation flashes over her face, causing Jay's heart to constrict when he sees the clear conflict on her face.

"Yeah." She leaves the door open before walking into the living room and shutting the TV off.

Jay takes in her crossed arms as she turns to him and shrugs.

"What's up?" Her voice is rough but soft.

Jay takes Erin in, her eyes wondering around the room. He wonders what she's thinking about as he feels guilt spread through him because of their distance.

She's only meters from him but she's never felt further away.

"Can Will and I crash here?" Her eyes widen, certainly never expecting that.

"Jay, we agreed on space." Erin's arms drop to her sides.

"I know, just a few nights and we'll be out of your hair. I'll take the spare room, Will the couch. We'll stay out of your way."

He watches her eyes close, as she runs through the impossible request in her mind.

Erin opens her mouth to say no, before remembering they are partners first and will always have each other's back.

"What happened?" She finally asks, unsure of how to live with the man she loves more than anyone else. The man who walked out on her, when she just started believing he never would.

"Nina and Will split… Natalie drama." Jay's vague as he shrugs in apology.

"Jesus."

"I know right, us Halstead men… just can't get it right. Both homeless now…" He tries for a smirk, trying to save the humor in their relationship.

"You weren't kicked out, it was your choice." Erin's tone is defensive, as she watches him nod quickly.

"I know, I was just…. Nevermind." Jay shoves his hands deep in his pockets, his eyes dropping to the floor.

"Okay. A couple of days. That's it."

"That's it."

* * *

"Erin, what are you doing here?"

"Pizza and wine." Nina's face wears a kind but sad smile as she ushers the pretty brunette into her apartment.

"How'd you hear?"

"Jay. He showed up at our… my… whatever, at mine needing to crash." Erin shrugs as they walk into the kitchen, Nina finding some glasses.

"Uh huh. Sorry he came crawling back to you." Erin's head bounces around, somewhere between a nod and a shake of the head.

"I wish he did the first night." The clink of the glasses hitting the counter pulls Erin from her thought, blinking back tears.

"Doesn't matter. I'm sorry about you and Will."

"It does matter, you doing okay?"

"Honestly? No, I'm scared we're done for good. But I can't reach out for him."

"Pride?" Nina pours the red wine into the glasses.

"Hurt. I was so insecure when I found out about his wife, and he walked out. I get he's got stuff to deal with, that he never told me about… but I never thought he would leave me. After everything…" Erin quickly wipes the tears away as Nina tops the glasses right to the top.

"Boys are dumb."

"I'll toast to that." Erin laughs, tasting the salt of her tears.

They kick back half a glass before making their way to the couch with the pizza.

"What happened with Will?" Nina's eyes are staring at the red wine in her glass, unsure of how to answer.

"I ignored all the signs."

"Of what?"

"That he was in love with another woman."

"Halsteads don't know a good thing when they see it." Erin teases, feeling grateful Nina cracks a smile.

"So can you fix things with Jay?"

"I don't know. He said he needs space, so even if I want to reach out… I can't."

"Not yet, but maybe…"

"I don't know… he's been there for me always and the guilt is eating me that I don't just sit back and take it on the chin. Let him have his space, push my hurt away and be ready if he comes back. But, he made me believe not everyone you love will leave then he threw that in my face." Erin shakes her head before bringing her wine glass back to her lips, enjoying the smooth taste of the wine.

"Oh Erin."

"He's always been there for me, I've worked through my issues _with_ him practically. Wish just seemed to push us to be stronger together, overcoming everything… how can he expect to deal with this and then just pick up where we left off?"

"You won't be the same people." Nina agrees quietly, hearing the truth from someone else's lips causing panic to wash over Erin.

"No."

Nina's hand finds Erin as they turn their attention to the mind numbing TV, blocking out their drama for a little while.

"I know." Erin finally giggles, now on her fifth glass of wine.

"What?" Nina giggles back, leaning into Erin.

"With your skills we could kill them, with mine, their bodies will never be found."

"If only I didn't love him so damn much." Nina sobers up and Erin drops her head to the back of the couch.

"Tell me about it."

"You're welcome here Erin, until they leave."

"Thanks, and I'll take you up on your offer tonight 'cuz I've been drinking. But I won't allow Jay to drive me from my home."

"Good for you."

 **A/N:** **Thoughts? Review.  
**

 **I couldn't help but think of this during Chicago Med... surely Nina and Will won't last. I'm hoping Jay will be back with Erin by that point... and I sure hope he never has to find his own place again. Argh. Stupid writers can get fucked.**

 **They are the worst! There was no point in Jay having a wife. None. She was barely in it, it isn't giving us Jay's past yet. IN FACT WHEN THEY COULD HAVE HAD A SMALL ASS SCENE ABOUT PTSD THEY CUT IT! I just... can't. They even fuck up the break up scenes (or break, whatever you want to call it).**

 **I just feel there were so many better ways to tackle Jay's past... someone from his ranger past could have come back for revenge. That way we would have got some Linstead drama and tension and also Jay's past. Something fitting to his character, a story Jesse deserves to tell.**

 **Okay, I'm done ranting now. Sorry! lol**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: HOW SAD WAS THAT DELETED SCENE? Did we notice he said 'I've been going once a week', so like how fucking long have they been apart in the show? Fucking writers, we need answers. Also that scene was integral, so why cut it? They looked so heartbroken though.**

 **Argh, okay. I could rant all day so let's move on. This sort of took on a life of it's own while writing it. I know alot of people are saying Jay just needs time, Erin should give it to him (but obviously understand why she's hurting). I've done like four stories where she pushed her hurt aside to just give him a free pass because of his pain. This one won't be so easy...**

Finding my way back to you – Part Two

Erin POV

I close the door quietly behind me, squinting into the apartment. The sun is just starting to come up in Chicago and the soft glow of dusk is filling the apartment.

I'm quiet as I tip toe past a sleeping Will on the couch and into the kitchen, only to stop when I see Jay awake and dressed.

"Hey." I shrug at him before moving to the fridge for a bottle of water.

"Hey." His eyes take in my appearance.

"You're up early."

"You're up late." He fires back and I raise an eyebrow.

"I went to see Nina. We have a lot in common." The bitterness and sass in my body has Jay averting his eyes.

"How's she doing?"

"Horrible. She thought she could trust the man she loves." His eyes find mine again and I'm sure he gets the double meaning.

"Erin-"

"Whatever, I'm going to bed. Just make it so I don't know you're here until you find your own place. At work, I'll help us find our grove again. As partners, maybe even friends. But here Jay? None of that, not yet." I turn away, deflecting the hurt I'm feeling and ignoring the pain he's in.

"Look Hank said-" I pause crying; taking a deep breath trying to compose myself before turning around and face him again.

"I get it Jay. I will act fine at work, we will be partners and I won't hold any of our baggage over you there. If you act normal, I'll act normal. We've done it before… granted we hadn't been living together at that time. Our partnership is important to me Jay, so you have my word that you don't have to tip toe around me at work. I can be professional."

"Okay."

"Okay, I'm going to get some sleep."

"Alright, I'm heading out."

"Where?" The question slips through my lips before I can remind myself that I shouldn't care.

"A support group."

"Oh… look Jay, I should have said it in the break room but it is great that you're getting help. If you need anything at all, you just have to ask. I still care…" Both our eyes are full of tears, wishing the space wasn't between us but not knowing how to fix it.

"Thank you." Jay's eyes search mine before he brings a hand up to caress my cheek.

"Jay." I pull away from him shaking my head.

We stare at each other a few more minutes before I turn to disappear into my bedroom, tears streaming down my face.

* * *

I sigh loudly as I close my apartment door, happy when I don't find Will there before making my way to the couch and falling onto it.

Jay and I are working hard to find the flow of our partnership, made harder by the fact Hank's drilling eyes are constantly on us.

My heart aches missing the ease in which we have always communicated, the joking nature between us and being able to trust the other always.

Every time I see him at work I'm reminded he's no longer mine and we no longer come home together every night, we can't use the other to decompress.

The past three days since Jay showed up here has been an adjustment, but today we finally seemed to be making some progress.

Our interactions at work are full of forced light heartedness and humor, our heartbreak hiding just beneath the surface.

We have a silent agreement this is a better way to survive the workday, than filling it with awkward glances full of longing, sadness and hurt.

My eyes snap over to the door when it opens, Jay nods at me before going into the kitchen and placing the pizza and beer down.

"Where's Will?"

"Work. I'll be out of your way in just a sec." I reach for the remote and find the sports channel.

"You don't want to watch the game?" I call out turning the volume up.

"I'm giving you space."

"It's just a game."

"You just want some pizza." He tries for a smirk.

"Only if you have beer too." He chuckles as he brings it over and I sit up to give him half of the couch.

It's strange to be sitting here on opposite ends, when usually we find any excuse to be touching.

The discomfort melts away as the minutes tick by, each time we cheer or groan bringing us closer to the two friends who use to enjoy sport together.

I'm laughing at Jay's rant as I click the TV off, reaching forward to clear away our mess.

"Can you believe that? That was bullshit." Jay grabs the empty beers and follows me into the kitchen.

"This is nice." I admit quietly.

"Our team losing?" He smirks down at me and I laugh.

"Feeling almost like friends again." He nods softly at me, I shrug before I send him a goodnight before walking to my room.

* * *

"Jay, Erin. You take this one." We both nod at Hank before grabbing our coats and heading out to the truck.

"I'm driving."

"Aw man." Jay grumbles while I just smirk.

"Only fair, you know…" I don't say the words 'because of you're secret wife' but they hang between us while we drive in suffocating silence.

"This guys rap sheet is pages long." He looks down at the ipad, finally letting my comment go.

"Eh, I don't think he did it."

"Why?"

"Gut feeling." I shrug over at him.

"Wanna bet?"

"I know I'm right. How much?" I park the truck before looking over.

"$100."

"Your on. It'll be a nice little bonus to your apartment hunt."

"Subtle." Jay chuckles over at me, a hint of regret in his eyes.

We finally breach the subject, knowing it's been more than the agreed few days but keeping quiet anyway afraid to break the spell. I know we crave this, to still be so close to each other even when it's not what we say we need.

It's been a week since the night with the pizza and we are slowly trying to find our way back to normal at work.

Hank's stare is no longer glued to us and we can feel like we can breathe, Jay's been avoiding coming home or hiding in the spare room while there.

The distance at home is helping me deal at work. We only have the day to try and forget our relationship drama as we look at each other, the days which are full and busy, allowing for distractions.

Home is my sanctuary, where I can be hurt and disappointed. My anger and sadness comes in waves at home, wishing we could go back to how things were.

"I just want to find a way to be friends again Jay. Lets get back to there, then figure the rest out."

"Well, for friends you need to get to know me. All of this new stuff…."

"Why? Turns out I didn't really know you before." My voice is full of bitterness as I jump from the truck, Jay following without a word.

"So how is the apartment search coming?" I ask as we climb the steps, not wanting the bitter taste in my mouth to hang around.

"Alright. I'm seeing another one after work, looks good. So hopefully it's the one."

* * *

"So how'd it go?" Jay has just walked in after looking at the apartment, Will close behind.

"Good, looks like we will be out of your way soon." I nod at them and offer congratulations.

"Alright, well I'm gonna shower and head to work." Will excuses himself, leaving Jay and I to stare at each other.

Finally, he walks off to his room leaving me sitting in a pool of my own pity.

* * *

I wake confused in the middle of the night, screams of terror filling the apartment.

My hand automatically reaches for my gun as I blink sleep from my eyes.

I crawl from the bed, taking my hand off the gun when I recognize its Jay I can hear.

My feet take me through the empty living room and to the spare room; I flick the light on and am greeted with a terrifying sight.

Jay is thrashing around on the bed, whimpers falling from his lips and sweat coating his body.

"Jay!" I call out as I approach, I reach down to shake him awake when his eyes open and all I can see is terror.

His hand grabs my wrist harshly, before his eyes clear and he releases immediately.

"Erin, I'm sorry." My hazel eyes take in his broken face, while I nod in reassurance.

He moves to sit on the edge of the bed and I move backwards to lean against the wall, reality hitting me. I get a glimpse of just what Jay is going through, the PTSD that is plaguing him.

"I felt like I was back in that moment." He admits quietly looking at the carpet.

"What moment?" I ask despite feeling he won't open up anyway.

"I was pinned down…" My eyes fly up, shocked he's opening up to me.

"I couldn't move, but they were dragging away a member of my unit and I couldn't stop them. We found him days later. Beheaded. He was brutally tortured… I couldn't save him. There are so many memories like that… they haunt me." Jay's holding back tears in typical fashion so I move to sit next to him on the bed and bring him into my arms.

Tears fall as his head finds a place in the crook of my neck; sobs rack through his body when I run my hands through his hair letting him cry.

It hits me that this is the closest we have been since the night he walked out. Tears fall down my cheeks at the hurt in my heart and the pain in his crying. I inhale his smell, craving it now that the shirts he left behind no longer smell of him and his side of our bed no longer offers me any comfort.

I realize suddenly that this is the first time he's let me see him vulnerable, I hug him tighter.

When he's finally calm, I push him back onto the bed and bring the covers up.

"Try and get some sleep." My fingers are running soothingly through his hair, as he closes his eyes with a sigh.

I sit with him as he drifts off, fingers tracing the tension lines on his face. Knowing I shouldn't but not caring, I lean down to kiss his forehead and inhale his scent again.

* * *

"You got everything?" I ask the guys as they stand at the apartment door with their bags.

"Yeah, thanks again Erin." Will sends me a nod before excusing himself.

"I really appreciate you helping us out Erin." Jay stands stiffly at the doorway, reminding me of the unease between us and just making things harder.

"All good, but promise me something?"

"Anything."

"Call me anytime. If you need to talk about a nightmare, I'm here. Regardless of needing space, I'll still be here."

Jay swallows a lump in his throat before moving in for a hug, I hug him back trying to commit his scent before letting him walk out of what use to be our apartment.

* * *

"Hey Nina, come in." Nina walks in with beers and chinese food and takes a seat on the couch.

"So they're gone?" She opens two beers for us.

"Yeah." Tears come to my eyes and I curse.

"How you doing?"

"Honestly? I didn't expect to feel sad about it." I shake my head at the stupidity of my statement.

"It was like he was walking out all over again?" She pries gently and I nod.

"How do you do it?" She asks suddenly.

"What?" I ask confused.

"Work together. I mean, I hardly have to see Will and it's hard." I shrug again.

"We're partners, he will always be important to me. As disappointed and hurt as I am, I can't lose that. After everything he's done for me, I don't owe him forgiveness to allow him back into my heart. But I do owe him forgiveness to save our friendship."

"How's that going?"

"Most of the time it's fine, but then someone says or does something that reminds me and I feel it consume me. We're a work in progress." I look down at my thumb picking away at my jeans.

"You're a better woman than me Erin." Nina starts flicking through the channels.

"Not really." She puts the remote down to turn to me.

"You feel guilty?" I nod slowly, tears streaming down my cheeks.

"I hate crying. Jay turned me into someone who cries over relationships." I chuckle, wiping away my tears.

"Erin… talk to me. You can lean on me."

"You're going through something too Nina."

"And you're here for me."

"I don't know… I just. I can tell he's hurting; he's in so much pain. I don't understand how Abby is the one to bring it up; I guess I don't understand how PTSD really affects people. Why didn't Mouse deploying do it? Or… anything else. Then we'd have one obstacle to overcome, not two…." I tuck my hair behind my ears, shaking my head.

"She triggered something Erin, you can't know what until he talks about it. He might not even know yet, his support group will help. I don't know why he didn't tell you… that's a lie on his part. One you need to work out if you can forgive." I nod slowly, taking in her explanation.

"I want to be there for him, it's killing me. I'm so heartbroken that I don't know if I can though… besides, he wants space to deal with it and… then come back to me? But I'm so hurt." Sobs rack my body as Nina pulls my head down into her lap, her hand stroking my hair.

"He always made me turn to him, but he pushes me away. I don't know if I'm more hurt that he was married and never told me, or if it's because he's in so much pain and I can't help… he doesn't want me. Or if it's because he walked out on me. It's like there is this ache in my heart where Jay use to be." My voice breaks on his name, no end to my tears in sight.

"Oh, Erin."

"The scariest thing? What if he doesn't come back to me? What if we change so much that we don't work anymore… what if I don't allow myself to take him back?"

"Erin, you can't torture yourself with what ifs. Take everyday as it comes, and feel what you feel. Don't push it down and lie to yourself… or to Jay. Yes, he's hurting and he's going through something but so are you. He doesn't get a free pass."

The only sound surrounding the apartment is my crying and the soft hum of the TV, Nina holds me close while I cry out the hurt and frustrations.

 **A/N: Sorry for any mistakes, it's late... lol horrible excuse.**

 **Let me know your thoughts :)**


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: FINALLY! Sorry guys, alright so** **Speckledegg321 gave me a prompt off the 4x19 episode which fits nicely in this story, at least I think so...  
**

 **Enjoy :)**

Finding my way back to you – Part Three

Erin POV

"Erin, you good?" Jay's voice washes over me, tears burning my eyes instantly.

My eyes fly to his briefly; pain shines in his gaze as he looks at me.

"Hey, what's wrong?" He closes the distance between us in the break room; my eyes drop back to the coffee.

"Nothing. Tough case…" My whispered voice isn't enough to shrug off his concern.

"It is, but something else is going on. I can tell." I turn to him, shrugging.

"Pulling back the tarp… it just reminded me of Nadia. When we found her." My lips quiver as tears fall down my cheeks anyway, flashes of blue tarp and lifeless bodies shatter my heart.

Jay's arms wrap around me instantly, pulling me into his warm embrace. My body is stiff at the familiar embrace, his hand runs through my hair and I sink into his arms after only a moment's hesitation.

My arms wrap around him as tears soak his shirt, I sniff quietly trying to keep the sobbing from consuming me.

"I've got you." It's these whispered words that pull me from his arms like I've been shocked.

"No, you don't." I push past him, leaving him standing alone in the break room.

The same way he left me standing alone in our bedroom.

* * *

My eyes take in the whiteboards, running over the horrific attack on Kim's sister and the heartbreaking murder of her friend.

The parallels to the brutality of Nadia's rape are glaringly obvious, and the beautiful girl hidden beneath a tarp shielding her from the chill of the air and the hardness of the world jarring me back to that moment.

The moment my world shifted, falling into Jay's arms and wishing to disappear. His arms weren't around me for long, having pushed him away to avoid bringing him down into the darkness, choosing to carry my burden alone.

Guilt eats away at my insides when I think about Jay's own burdens and his fight to keep them away from me. This realization has the cold seeping from my heart, when flashes of Abby halt it just as quickly.

Jay's arms were there to catch me again today, his comfort the one thing I craved more than anything else.

"How are you doing Erin?" My eyes close briefly at Jay's caring voice.

"Fine."

"You may not believe me, but I am here for you." My shoulders rise in a shrug.

"Good night." I pick up my jacket before heading towards the stairs.

"I'm here anytime Erin, just call me if you need to talk." I smile softly, recalling a similar promise I made to Jay.

"Thanks." I'm unsure if he heard my quiet whisper as I walk away from him, for the second time today.

* * *

My thumb hovers over Jay's name in my phone for what feels like the hundredth time tonight.

I click the lock button on the phone before pouring myself another drink, the buzz of alcohol in my system dulling my senses.

I fall back onto the couch, feeling the pain slip away blissfully, even if only temporarily.

A groan falls through my lips when I take in the half empty bottle of scotch, knowing I'll have this to regret in the morning.

I push up from the couch, stripping off as I enter my bedroom and dropping my phone to my bedside table.

My feet take me over to the chest of drawers, pulling out one of Jay's shirts and hugging it to my chest as tears slip down my cheeks.

I slip into his shirt before letting my body clumsily fall onto the bed, and pulling the covers up over my shaking body.

Restlessness devotes time keeping my body awake and fighting the sobs wishing to escape my grief filled body. I curl up and bring my nose down to the material of Jay's shirt, disappointment hitting me when his scent is no longer invading my senses.

* * *

Gut-wrenching sobs rack my body as consciousness fights off sleep, my nightmares blending into reality for a few terrifying minutes when my eyes open.

I'm gasping for air, hiccupping back sobs as I claw at my chest trying to inhale oxygen.

Sweat is coating my skin as I reach blindly for my phone, my finger pressing down urgently, wishing for only one pair of arms to comfort me.

Listening to the ringing is agonizing and fear grips me over the fact he may not answer. He may not be here for me, another promise to be broken.

"Erin?" Jay's voice is groggy, his tone conveying he cares.

"Jay." His name tumbles out with a sob as I drop my face into my hand.

"Erin, are you okay? What's wrong?" His tone is instantly on high alert, worry taking over his tone.

"I, need, you. Please." Each word is separated by a sob as I clutch the phone tightly.

"I'll be right there."

"Please don't hang up. Don't leave me." My whisper is broken and pleading.

"Never." His promise is fierce as I listen to him rustle around, my sobs drowning out his soothing words.

* * *

"Erin." Jay's voice breaks through my crying as I lay facing away form the door, curled into a ball.

I feel his body sit on the edge of the bed, his hand brushing my cheek softly.

"Oh baby." That one term of endearment as me flinging myself into his arms, they wrap around me as he whispers soothing words in my hair.

My sobs become more desperate as Jay's hands find my waist, changing our position and moving my legs to their welcome place straddling him on the bed.

We tuck our heads into each other's necks, his hands stroking my hair softly.

Tears are soaking his neck, salty tears slipping into my mouth as I cry into him.

"What happened?" His whisper is soft, a hand caressing my back coaxing a reply.

"Nightmare… about Nadia." I feel Jay's arm wrap tighter around me as I struggle to calm down.

"Deep breaths. I'm right here."

"I'm all alone." I sob harder, the liquor from earlier loosening my tongue.

"Never, because you'll always have me." A hand slips underneath the shirt I'm wearing and runs along my bare back, shivers appear in their path.

My heart races as my sobs subside, tears are still streaming down my face when I begin sniffling.

I pull back enough to tuck my head down to wipe the moisture from my face, using the material of the shirt.

Our foreheads are almost touching, our eyes staring intently into each other's.

I'm suddenly aware of our position, my pussy humming with need, my body craving love only Jay can provide.

My breathing is heavy but now for an entirely different reason, our lips drift towards each other as a slow throbbing starts between my legs.

I rub against Jay's growing erection, craving friction as our lips brush softly.

My lips meet his hard, passion flowing between our bodies as I slip my tongue into his mouth.

His hands run up and down my sides as I run mine through his hair.

"Erin, we shouldn't." Jay's frantic between kisses, half-heartedly pushing me away.

"Please Jay. I need this." I shift on him, he moans in the process of trying to calm his betraying body.

"I need _you_." I'm begging against his lips, he kisses me harshly deciding to give me exactly what I want.

Our tongues are dueling, teeth clashing as we urgently cling to each other. We inhale deep breaths between intense kisses, cherishing the closeness after the recent distance.

I gasp as my back hits the bed, Jay's body against mine as he rests between my legs. His kisses move down my neck, his beard scraping against my skin roughly.

He pulls the side of my shirt down so his lips can find my smooth shoulder, teeth nipping it gently as I squirm beneath him.

My hands are impatient as they slide up his abs, nails scraping down before I pull his shirt off quickly.

Our lips meet again as my hands drag down his muscled back, my tongue pushing deep into his mouth.

My hips jerk when his fingers press against my panties, a finger slips beneath to see how wet I am.

I lift my hips as his slide my panties down, he runs a finger along my slit teasingly before he pushed two fingers in.

I'm panting as he pumps his fingers into my pussy that's pulsating with want,

His forehead rests against mine briefly, his fingers hooking up before pulling out when I'm close to my release.

My hands tug at his sweatpants, pulling them down to free his manhood.

Jays eyes find mine, seeking permission before he enters me. He pauses once he can't push any further; our gazes are full of intimacy as our lips meet again.

My legs wrap tighter around Jay, as he begins to rock against me hastily.

His lips leave mine to trail along my jaw, kissing me behind the ear as I release a small sigh.

"Jay." I whisper, knowing my orgasm is building.

He thrusts deeper into me, our lips meeting again as we swallow each others cries of pleasure.

We're still for a few moments, unsure of where to go from here. We're torn between two scenarios, finally we settle on following the familiar routine.

Jay pulls out softly, rolling off me and pulling me into his arms as he places a soft kiss to my forehead.

I savor the feeling of drifting off peacefully in his arms, knowing it will be over once the morning sun rises.

 **A/N: Hmm which half of Linstead will regret this? None, both? haha**

 **Next chapter will cover the Med episode with his dad. Exploring how we can fix it considering they ignored Jay and also ignored the whole Jay doesn't talk to his dad bit...**

 **I know I need to update The Fall too... and then Fate. I'll get there I've just been sick guys.**

 **Your patience is appreciated :)**

 **Review :)**


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: Okay, so I'm slowly crawling through the Jay and Erin events/moments from Med and PD to fit the story and bring them back together.**

 **Once again, I'm on pain meds - read at your own risk lol**

Finding my way back to you – Part Four

Erin POV

"Hey Erin."

"Jay." I nod at him before looking back at the coffee.

"Are we ever going to talk about it? It's been a week." I shake my head slightly.

"Jay…"

"Come on, let's not be awkward."

"Well we slept together so…" The silence hanging between us throws my mind back to the morning after.

I remember waking up and taking in Jay's calm face, savoring the time in his strong arms and cherishing his scent surrounding me before climbing out of bed.

One final kiss was left on his forehead before I changed and snuck from the apartment, chased from my own home.

Regret ate away at me until I saw Jay next, guilt taking its place as we avoided the subject.

"It's not like we haven't before." The slight raise of his brow hints at an attempt of humor.

His phone rings loudly in his pocket, saving me away from having to reply.

Jay's frown has me concerned; I abandon my coffee to watch him closely.

"And he doesn't want the surgery? Stubborn old man."

"Yeah alright. Let me know when the procedure is over and I'll swing by." Jay rubs his forehead roughly.

"What's up?" I whisper quietly.

"My dad, his heart." I raise an eyebrow in question, seeking further information.

"I was with him this morning when he took a turn, I called Will." Jay shrugs as if that provides all the answer.

"I didn't think you spoke to your dad… just another thing I don't know about you." I push by him, leaving him standing in the break room.

I pause at the doorway, taking a deep break and blinking back tears.

"Sorry, that was…. Loaded. How is he? How are _you_?"

"He's got… you know what? I don't know what it is exactly. Apparently his heart is working too hard? They want to operate but he's being stubborn." Jay gestures to his own chest.

"Let me know if you need anything."

* * *

"That was Will, dad's awake after his procedure." Jay hangs up the phone.

"We're out. Do you want to stop by Med?" I offer gently, already turning the truck around.

"You'll come?" It almost sounds like he's hopeful.

"I'll wait outside."

"Oh."

"Unless you want me to come in?" I spare him a quick glance.

"I do." Tense silence hangs between us while I think everything through.

"Okay. You're my partner, I'm here."

We don't say another word until we arrive at Med.

* * *

"Will I said I'm fine, stop fussing." I raise my eyebrows as Jay and I stand at the door to the hospital room listening to the voices inside.

Jay's hand is laced with mine, his grip tight as he holds on. Somewhere from the carpark to the room he reached out for support, I didn't have the heart to drop it.

"You good?" I whisper softly, Jay nods once taking a deep breath.

I watch him wear a mask of steel, concealing his emotions. I drop his hand, having seen him done it a million times.

His mask falters as he looks over at me, I can see vulnerability and hurt.

The look crushes my heart; my hand wordlessly slips back into his, not use to this version of Jay.

"Let's go." I nudge him gently into the room, my eyes taking in the older Halstead critically.

I can't help the slight glare in my eyes, as much as I try and hide it away to make a good impression.

I'm momentarily stunned at the admission I want to make a good impression, my feet wanting to take me from the room and run away.

I distract myself with their father who is not at all what I imagined.

"Jay, nice of you to show up. But I'm fine."

"Great."

"I was right, that fancy degree you got Will means nothing. I didn't need the surgery. Your old man still knows best, what you needed that expensive school for I'll never know." Will drops his eyes, his face showing his familiarity with the harsh words.

"Glad to see you haven't changed." Jay's tone is bitter, I squeeze his hand tighter, my other one coming up to rest on his arm.

"Nope, good as new. Feel like I could pitch nine innings."

"It's what every team wants, a sixty something starter with a bum ticker." Jay's wearing a smirk; malice lurking just beneath the surface.

Curiosity knags at me, wondering the source of Jay's conflict with his father and the reason they now are on speaking terms.

Hurt settles in my chest, wondering if they reconnected when we were still living together.

This thought makes me doubt myself further; just how much didn't I know the man I love?

How much did the man I was living with keep me in the dark?

"So this her?" His harsh voice brings my attention back, his eyes on me but Jay's glaring at his father.

"This is my partner Erin Lindsay. Erin, this is my father Pat."

"Nice to meet you." I offer a smile but no hand, not wishing to leave Jay's safety.

Will's eyes flicker down to our joined hands, raising an eyebrow at Jay questioning.

It occurs to me Jay's probably told his brother about our slip last week, I shift uncomfortably.

"You too. What are you doing here?" I'm fleetingly taken aback, although I shouldn't be. I know how to deal with difficult and hurtful parents.

"I'm here for Jay." My reply is simple, nothing but honest.

"But he left you. I thought you guys were over, it's what Jay said." It's like a punch in the stomach, Jay telling his father we're over.

The reminder he left me, stinging my eyes.

"I _didn't_ say that." Jay grounds out angrily.

"Whatever. Taking some time, we all know what that means."

"How about you stay out of it?" Jay fires back.

"You waltzed her in here holding hands. So seemed like a good time to ask if you were getting back with some chick I don't know."

"She's not _some chick_ , she's my partner and the woman I love. I don't expect you to understand that." My breath hitches on his confession, even though it's not news that he's still in love with me.

"You walked out on her Jay. Don't be all high and mighty."

"Guys, he just had a procedure. Maybe take it down a notch." Will interjects softly.

"No, he can say what he wants to me. But don't disrespect Erin." Jay levels his father with a glare.

"Are you back together?" Jay stumbles over his next words.

"No, I mean… she's just being a good partner and friend."

"Truthfully, we never really broke up, so there is no getting back together. We're taking time, but if he needs me, I'm here. And vice versa." I don't mean to give Jay false hope, knowing after the other night he may wish to move things along with us.

But I couldn't help but defend Jay and our relationship in the face of such harsh reality and insults from his father.

There is some truth to my words, but deep down I know I'm not ready for our time apart to end.

Guilt sits in my belly at the look on Jay's face, knowing I'll soon have to take that hope back away.

I can't let him all the way back into my heart, bed or home. Not yet.

"Seems complicated. Now out of the way, there's a game on." He motions at Jay and I, Jay looks over his shoulder at the TV.

He rolls his eyes before pushing me towards the door.

"On that note, we gotta head back to work."

"Wow." I deadpan as we are almost at the truck.

"Yeah."

"Erin." Jay pulls me around to face him silently.

"I need to know."

"If I meant what I said in there?" I ask quietly, wishing we could have put this off.

"Yeah."

"I don't know Jay, I just don't know anymore. Maybe." I begin to pull away but he steps closer to me.

"Jay."

"Do you regret the other night?" His blue eyes are searching mine; I can feel tears begging to spill over.

"Yes."

"I hate myself for taking advantage of you, I'm so sorry. You were drunk and upset and…"

"Hey, no. Jay you did _not_ take advantage of me. You never could. You're not that guy… I knew exactly what we were doing. I _wanted_ it. Hell, I _needed_ it, that comfort… but it doesn't mean we should have. Or that's what we need right now. Falling into bed won't fix our problems." Jay reaches up to brush my tears away and I let him.

"You want to know why I'm speaking to my dad again?"

"Yeah."

"I said I needed time to deal with my PTSD and who I was when I got back, I've been going to support groups and I realized. I need to confront _everything_ from that time in my life. I don't want any other triggers walking back into my life… our lives. The quicker I get better, the quicker I come back to you. Come _home_ to you. So I reached out to the father I despise." There are so many conflicting emotions playing across Jay's face, I can't look away.

"Jay… I don't know if it's that simple… I might not be able to… I just." I trip over my words; his eyes luring me back in.

"What?"

"I don't know if we can get back to where we were. I'm sorry." Jay's shocked and frozen; it's easy to slip from his arms.

I climb into the car, wiping away my tears and choking back the sobs wishing to rip apart my chest.

* * *

Jay and I have been distant the last few hours, putting every undercover skill we have to the test in the face of Hank.

My heart is heavy with guilt at the crushing blow I delivered to Jay earlier today.

I wish I could take it all back, to find another way to let him down.

My eyes follow him into the break room, tense lines on his face as he takes a call.

I don't have a choice as my feet take me into the break room, waiting for him to disconnect the call.

"That was Will. My father was rushed into surgery."

"Jay, I'm sorry." I wish to embrace him but I hold my ground.

"I need to get to Med."

"Okay, what can I do for you?"

"Stay with me." There is a double meaning to his plea, both to stay while he deals with his father and to stay with him, always.

I ignore the one he wants the most and opt to promise to stay for the immediate future.

"I can do that."

* * *

"Will man, relax. He's going to be fine. He's too stubborn to die." My hand is wrapped in Jay's again, unsure if he needs the comfort or the excuse to touch me at this point

"Will, Rebecca James is back in the ED." We all turn towards Natalie as she approaches Will.

"What? Damn it."

"She's your patient, I thought…"

"Will, go. We'll update you if we hear anything." Jay ushers him away.

Time passes slowly as we sit together in silence, I leave to get us coffees and when I return I don't offer my hand to Jay.

I ignore the look on his face as I do this; he stands to begin pacing, something clearly on his mind.

I watch him over my coffee.

"You okay?" I ask before standing and catching his arm.

"Thanks for being here."

"Of course. You ever need anything, don't hesitate to ask." Jay reaches for my free hand, cradling it in his.

There is an intimacy to the moment, Jay's eyes pleading with me.

"Thank you." I shrug at him before pulling my hand away and slipping it into my back pocket.

"Erin…"

"I just can't… I'm here for you if you want to talk Jay. About your dad, your past, all of it. Even if you just want a friend to talk with and forget for a while. But not for anything more."

Jay looks as if I've wounded him; before we can process the moment Will rushes back in, pulling us from our bubble of hurt.

"Jay, dad's our of surgery. Brand new mitral valve is fully functioning."

"Told you." Jay tries for a smile, flecks of humor shining through.

"Well, I'm gonna head back to the house 'cause he's probably gonna need some stuff." Will nods at his brothers offer.

"Thanks man." Jay pats Will's chest before walking away, I smile at Will before following.

"I'll drop you back first." He doesn't look at me as he offers.

"No, I want to come. You asked me to stay..."

I try and focus on the time I asked Jay to stay and he walked out anyway, to lessen the guilt for continuing to lead Jay on.

Truthfully, I'm not ready to leave his presence just yet.

 **A/N: Well there you have it, you know who regrets it haha**

 **Next up is continuing with Jay's dad, annoyed me how it was all about Will and apparently Jay wasn't even a son?! I mean and Jay talks to his dad now?!**

 **After that will be PD 4x20 and yes the Med episode. We know what I'm talking about, but don't assume you know how I'll handle it ;) haha**

 **Review :)**


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: Did we really think Jay would regret? Gosh, Erin would really have trouble forgiving him if he did... haha**

 **Anyway... enjoy!**

Finding my way back to you – Part Five

Erin POV

"So this is where you grew up?"

"Yeah." I'm taking in the house as Jay leads me through, I stop to look at family photos feeling like I'm catching a glimpse of his past.

"You don't have to be here Erin." Jay's hands are in his pockets, posture tense.

"You asked me too."

"But if you don't want-"

"Let me rephrase. I _want_ to be here. I'm sorry I brought our relationship into it today, wasn't fair to you."

"We should have talked about it after it happened, but I was avoiding the rejection." He shrugs at me softly.

"Well I ran away so how could we talk? Jay, it's not rejection. It's just…"

"Yeah. I'm gonna go pack a bag." I hear the stairs creak under his weight as he leaves me alone downstairs.

I'm impatiently waiting, after five minutes of suspicious silence I squint upstairs before running up.

"Jay?"

"In here." I follow the sound of his voice, pushing a door open.

His posture is stiff, hands in his pockets as he stairs at a picture on the nightstand.

"Was this your room?" I ask as I take in the sporting posters on the wall, looking aged and faded.

"Yeah." I walk over to stand by him, peering down at the same photo.

"Who is that?"

"My mum." His voice is a quiet whisper, my hand itches to reach for his but I ball my hand into a fist instead.

The tears slipping down his cheeks crumble my resolve.

"Hey, come here." My arms go around his neck pulling him in for a tight hug.

I close my eyes, my nose pressed against his neck as I inhale his scent. My body relaxes as I feel his hand in my hair.

Jay's breathing is calm when I pull back slowly, our cheeks brushing softly.

Our eyes are locked and intense, lips so close when he suddenly joins them.

I allow myself a moment to kiss back before I press on his chest, pushing him away.

"Jay."

"Sorry... Sorry."

"It's okay. It's just… I still need that time." My eyes don't meet his.

"Yep." The uncomfortable silence is back surrounding us when my eyes land on his bed.

"Too bad we're taking time right now, cuz doing it on your childhood bed sounds kinda hot."

I smile when I hear his laugh, sending him a wink to break the tension.

* * *

We slow down when we approach the hospital room, seeing Rhodes and Will talking.

"Look man, you said he's not proud of you. He was raving about you before he went under; he knows he's been an ass. But he was so proud to have you as a son."

"Thanks, it's good to finally hear. Did he, did he mention Jay?" Will's hand finds the back of his neck uncomfortably.

"Nah, sorry." Rhodes shrugs.

"Stubborn old man." It's at this moment Will's eyes land on Jay, guilt flashing through.

"Jay-"

I reach my hand up to soothingly play with the hairs at the base of Jay's neck, knowing its comfort he must be craving.

My hand doesn't move as we walk the remaining steps to the room, I reach out to squeeze Will's arm giving him a small shake of the head, letting him know to drop it.

Jay drops the bag onto a spare chair, my hand dropping to his back feeling his tight muscles beneath the jacket.

"He should be awake soon." Will offers with a shrug.

"Why don't I go get us some food?" I offer gently, trying to ascertain Jay's mood.

"Not hungry." I look over to Jay disapprovingly.

"You need to eat." Jay finally nods.

"I'll come."

"Okay." We leave Will in the room alone, as we walk side by side to the cafeteria.

"I'm not ready to go back yet." I nod at Jay before we take a seat, Jay stares at his sandwich and bottle of water.

"It doesn't mean he's not proud of you Jay."

"He's not." He swallows loudly.

"It's ironic, because I'm the one with reason to be ashamed of him. Not the other way around."

"What's your history Jay?" He just shakes his head.

"Eat, please." I choose to push the plea to eat rather that the subject of his past.

* * *

Another hour passes before I can persuade Jay back upstairs; I grab some food for Will too.

We seem to enter the room during a moment between Will and their father, tears present and arms wrapped around each other.

A look flashes across Jay's face, full of hurt and anger at never having been worthy of their father's affection.

"Glad to see you're not dead." My head snaps to Jay, taken aback by his words.

Will's at a loss too, such a turnaround from the Jay who was interacting with his father earlier.

"Jay, not now." I narrow my eyes as his father admonishes him.

"What? Apparently you only have one son. Or one you're proud of." The bitterness in Jay's voice causes me to glace at him.

"Don't. Have some respect."

"You've said those words to me before, remember?" My heart is in my throat as I turn my glare on his father.

"You said that?" The words fall through my lips before I can stop them, accusation in my tone.

"You left to fight someone else's war. Our family needed you."

"Will left too, at least I came home in time." Will bows his head in shame, Jay's too caught up in anger to notice.

"And what if you didn't? Do you have any idea what that would have done to your mother?" Pat's voice is full of venom, not caring the hurt his words inflict.

"Don't. Don't talk to me about her like I wasn't there until the end." I swallow around a lump in my throat, the emotion in Jay's voice obvious.

"You chose the military over your family. It was selfish."

"Selfish? Jay is anything but selfish." My voice is low and deathly quiet.

"Don't use this against me. We had issues long before then." Jay crosses his arms, his biceps grabbing my attention briefly.

"Jay, Dad – let's not hash this out now alright."

"No, if your brother has something to say, he can say it."

"Alright, the alcohol."

"I don't have a problem." Pat looks away, denial clear.

"Yeah, and you never beat mum around either." I gasp loudly, eyes taking Jay in.

"What? Jay, that's crazy." Will interjects.

"You saw what you wanted to see Will, you were her little boy so she protected you from it." Jay spares his brother a quick look.

"Jay, stop. You don't know what you're talking about." His father's eyes are full of hate and shame as he looks at Jay.

"Really? I saw the bruises. I saw how she covered them up, she'd flinch when you had a temper after a couple of beers."

"You're imagination was always vivid." It doesn't take my experience as a Detective to the see guilt indicators, the lie obvious as he deflects.

"Well I don't know who else she could have been covering for. It's why I wanted out, I was so angry at you… at the world. I joined the rangers to straighten myself out. It's why I then became a cop, for justice, because I don't stand for bullies like you."

"Why are you even trying with me then?" I finally drag my eyes away from Jay to take in Will's appalled look.

"For me… to try and move on from my past. For Erin… and for mum. Just before died, she said she had long since forgiven you. She'd made peace with it, and she wanted me too as well. I thought the pain meds were just causing her to talk crazy. It's what I convinced myself to believe anyway."

There is a heavy silence in the room, the confessions revealed shocking both Will and I.

"I gotta go, can't do this now." Jay exits the room abruptly, Will following.

"Man, wait up."

My feet are frozen in place, so many feelings surging through me. I walk closer to Pat, a million different thoughts racing through my head.

"You know, you don't deserve his forgiveness. You don't even deserve to have Jay as a son. You could use this as a wake up call, a second chance… fight like hell to deserve a spot in _both_ your sons' lives. Both. Because in case you forgot, Jay is also your son. I don't know where you get off, being disappointed or ashamed of _him_. He's the best man I've ever met… so much kindness and love in his heart. I've never met anyone more loyal… I didn't think I'd ever allow myself to love someone. But Jay makes it easy, because he loves me back with everything in him. Don't hurt Jay anymore." I don't notice the tears streaming down my face as I exit the room, pulling my phone out to dial Jay.

I reach Jay's voicemail five times, deciding to head home and hoping Will's taking care of Jay. Resigning myself to the fact he needs to be without me while he deals with this.

* * *

"Jay?" His body is slumped against my apartment door, head bowed as his whispered name slips out.

Pain fills my gaze as his hurt blue eyes stare up at me; I shift the groceries in my arms wondering how to offer comfort.

"Sorry I came, I just-"

"No, hey. You're _always_ welcome here." Jay nods shortly, tears slipping down his cheeks.

By the time the first tear drops from his chin, sobs are racking his body as he buries his head in his arm.

"Jay." I call our desperately as I drop the groceries, completely forgetting them as I fall to my knees beside Jay.

I bring him into my arms, his wet faced pressed against my neck as I hold him tightly.

He's stuttering half sentences out, nothing making sense, only causing him to cry harder.

"I've got you Jay." This whispered words throw me back to the break room last week, Jay whispering them to me. They left me feeling bitter, now they bring me comfort.

"Do you?" He pulls away, his face vulnerable and unsure."

"Yeah, I do. Always." I caress his cheek as I drop my forehead to his, meaning every word and for the first time today not wishing to take them back.

* * *

"What are you thinking about?" I call out softly, the beer bottle near my lips.

"You." I avert my eyes briefly before bringing them back to his intense stare.

Our arms are touching as we sit side by side on the couch, the TV long forgotten.

Jay's breathing has calmed, tears long gone as we enjoyed the peaceful quiet.

"Thank you for today, more than I deserved."

"You might have deserved more than I gave you Jay. I shouldn't have brought our relationship up, I'm sorry."

"Nah, I walked out. You have every right to be hurt and bitter. But you still show me kindness, you were there with me." Jay smiles softly, understanding on his face like always.

"It was selfish of me as well. I mean mainly I wanted to be there for you, make sure you were alright…"

"How was it selfish?" He shakes his head confused.

"It gave me an excuse to me around you. Funny, considering I've been using the time and space card."

"And?" He prompts, always knowing when there's more.

"I got insight into your past. Something I've never been able to get you to open up about." I offer the last confession quietly.

"I'm sorry. Wasn't fair, since I use to push you."

"Maybe I should have pushed harder." I whisper back, once again reevaluating our relationship and what I could have done differently.

"Wouldn't have helped. Trust me, I had to come to the realization alone."

"But you didn't, your _wife_ …" I trail off instantly regretting bringing the touchy subject up.

"Ex-wife." My eyes widen slightly.

"What?" It's the first time we've spoken of the subject; my curious nature has been torturing me wishing to know more.

"Or non wife. What do you call an annulment?"

"Annulment?" I blink, trying to digest.

"Yeah. It's dealt with Erin. She's gone." The promise is loud in his tone, we're silent for a few minutes.

"So, your dads an ass. I see why you weren't speaking with him."

"Yeah." Jay's tone is bitter.

"I'm sorry Jay. It's his loss, to not see how amazing you are. In every way… he should be proud of you." Tears spring to my eyes as I watch his eyes drop to the beer, which he's cradling in his hands.

"Your mum would be proud of you. _I'm_ proud of you." My hands cover his, urging his eyes back to mine, needing him to hear me.

"Really?"

"Hell yeah." He cracks a smile.

"Did he ever raise a hand to you?" I can't tone down the instincts to know more about his past, having seen such a fleeting glance.

"Nah, never hit her in front of us either. But I knew."

"I'm sorry, no one deserves that." I shake my head, wishing I could take his pain away.

"Remember that case where I admitted I was once an angry kid."

"Yeah." My heart thumps wildly in my chest, on edge for as many details he'll divulge.

"I caught mum one, alone. She was bruised and crying. She was hiding in her closet… she didn't know I changed plans and came home early. I use to lash out at everyone but the person I should have… my dad."

"Jay…"

"And then one day I snapped, I couldn't pretend everything was okay anymore. He sensed the change, didn't like the backtalk and that's where it started between us. I wanted out, he wanted us to go straight to work after we graduated, but apparently the military wasn't what he had in mind. For a drunk he couldn't be pleased by a ranger or a doctor." Tears are welling in his eyes, he's fighting hard to keep them at bay.

"Did he really say that to you… glad you you're not…" I trail off, not being able to say the word _dead_ out loud. Not when associated with Jay.

"Yes, that's the first words when I got back." My eyes close briefly, almost trying to shield myself from his memory.

"Was he there for your mum?" For a moment I worry I've pushed too far.

"He was always at the bar drinking, or at home passed out. I'm the one who took her to treatments and doctor's appointments. Who helped her make the decision to stop fighting when…" I take his beer, putting them both on the table before bringing Jay into my side.

" _I_ was with her when she passed and I was the one to organize the funeral. I was full of so much anger Erin." He whispers brokenly into my skin.

"I wish I knew you then." My fingers run gently through his hair.

"I would have taken it out on you."

"I could have handled it."

"I was angry that she was gone, she left me with _him._ Will was off partying… and I was so damn angry for all the men and women who didn't return home. It was too much and I turned to booze and pills, just like _him_." He spits the word out, bitterness directed at himself.

"Jay, you are nothing like your father. I turned to drugs and alcohol… but I'm not Bunny."

"I guess." He swallows harshly.

"We both have pasts we're ashamed of. You were dealing with so much, you wanted to numb the pain." I brush away tears, more taking their place.

"I craved the blackouts, to feel nothing. But then… I saw Abby at the funeral. That was the mistake that woke me up… when I sobered up and realized _just_ who I had become I cleaned myself up. Joined the academy, I needed that structure and I wanted to be doing something meaningful. I had to focus on the justice…" His voice is almost detached as he recalls.

"But you didn't deal with it all."

"No, I just pushed it down. I thought I was okay but…" I feel him shaking his head against me.

"The support groups, they're helping?"

"Yeah, they are."

"I'm happy for you. The nightmares?" Jay sits back up, our bodies touching as we look at each other.

"Not as bad. But…"

"What?"

"I crave you when I wake up." The look in his eyes speaks right to my heart and body; there is no denying what he means.

"You can call me anytime." I offer, not ready to confront what he wants.

"I can't hold you through the phone."

"Do you want to come home?" The question tumbles out before I realize, my eyes widening slightly.

 **A/N: Alright, some more Jay and his dad.**

 **Next chapter is obviously Linstead talking about them (given where I left it haha)... and then 4x20 PD and the med episode.**

 **I assume after this weeks PD and Med, there might be more to write... we'll see.**

 **Review and let me know what you think :)**

 **PS. Yes, I know I need to update If Only You knew... I had it planned out but then I might have changed my mind after speaking with someone on Twiter... lol**

 **But I have maybe 10 days left before I'll be inactive for a month so will try and update that one and Fate. Since both are on cliffhangers. :)**


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: Wow, I think FF is finally getting their shit together. I'm getting email alerts again tonight lol I've updated a few stories since the weekend, so if you were waiting on one - might pay to check lol I even finally updated Jay's List of Fantasies. ;)**

 **This should now conclude it... there are no more stories of mine with cliffhangers - If I'm wrong speak now or forever hold your peace... for a month at least lol**

Finding my way back to you – Part Six

 _Previously_

" _I'm happy for you. The nightmares?" Jay sits back up, our bodies touching as we look at each other._

" _Not as bad. But…"_

" _What?"_

" _I crave you when I wake up." The look in his eyes speaks right to my heart and body; there is no denying what he means._

" _You can call me anytime." I offer, not ready to confront what he wants._

" _I can't hold you through the phone."_

" _Do you want to come home?" The question tumbles out before I realize, my eyes widening slightly._

"Yes." We're quiet after his confession.

"Jay." The word slips through my lips as a breathless sigh.

"Especially after last week." The implication in his voice causes shivers down my spine; my heart rate accelerates as my mind is cast back to the night of reckless passion.

"I just…" I trail off, completely unsure where to go from here.

"It's okay." His shakes his head deflecting from his hurt, I open my mouth to clarify when he continues.

"Do you want to talk about your nightmare?" He brushes hair behind my ear softly.

"I'm okay. It was just… pulling back that tarp and the horrific attack on Kim's sister brought up memories of Nadia. The nightmare was bad… but I didn't lose myself again."

"Good. I was worried."

"I guess I lost myself in you instead." My cheeks flush once again remembering his hot lips on my neck, the intimacy restored between us.

"I'm always here for you Erin."

"I think I just got stuck in my head… that everyone leaves. I'm alone." My eyes fall to my lap, emotion filling my chest as I speak about my biggest fear.

"I told you I'm here for you… and you said I'm not?" His voice is quiet and prying, no accusation in his tone.

"You are… I just needed a reminder." Our hands find each other, fingers playing together.

"You won't ever be alone, not with me around."

"That better be a promise Halstead." I wink softly at him.

His lips pull up in that familiar cute smile of his, full of charm and love. He doesn't need to say a word, his gaze is full of promise.

"Jay, I just want you to know. I'll support you if resolving conflict with your dad is what you want. You know that. But if it's not, if you don't want to… don't."

"I think I need to try. To heal, to move past this…" His eyes are fixated on our joined hands.

"Okay, then I'm here for you. As long as it's what _you_ want." Speaking of his father leaves an ache in my heart and bitter taste in my mouth, despising the pain his father has caused.

"How many chances have you given Bunny?" Jay tilts his head, voice once again nothing but soft.

"Too many to count."

"Yeah." He shrugs at me as if it explains everything.

"Okay, but I won't let him hurt you. I want you to be happy."

"Sound familiar?" He raises his eyebrow, a hint of a smirk.

"Yeah… all those times you stepped in with Bunny now makes perfect sense." We laugh as he pulls me into his embrace; his left arm goes around me as my back rests against his chest.

I smile as he places a kiss in my hair before I turn my head towards him and his lips find my forehead.

"I miss this." He admits quietly.

"Me too." My eyes fall shut, inhaling his scent.

"Think we can ever get back to where we were?" I can detect the fear and hesitation in his voice; worried my reply will crush his heart.

"Yeah Jay, I think we'll find our way back to each other."

"But you regret it…" Confusion is etched into his face.

"Jay…" I try to pull away but he holds me tighter.

"I said I could handle your issues, and I can. But you said you needed time… what I _can't_ handle…" Emotion fills me; I have to stop talking to compose myself.

"Tell me Erin." I blink back tears, feeling a sob close to the surface.

"I know you're working everything out, and maybe you realized I could handle it. Maybe _you_ realized you don't need to be alone while you do it. But I'm not a fucking mind reader." I take a deep breath to calm myself.

"I'm terrified sex just confused you, confused things between us. What if you come back thinking you're okay, but then work out you _didn't_ finish dealing alone? I can't watch you leave again, I _won't_. My heart can't take it. It would break me." Jay brushes my tears away.

"Baby…"

"No, I need to be sure that you're really ready to come home. I have to protect my heart… and this is for you too Jay. Give me this, _please_." My eyes team up with my voice to plead with him.

"Erin…" His whisper unsure.

"I was upset, and we were both emotional and we slept together. It's a pattern with us, we just fall into bed then work it out later." So many thoughts are racing through my head, conflicting with the feelings in my heart.

"Erin, that's not-"

"Shh. Let's just be here, together." I cut him off with a whisper, wishing only for his silent comfort tonight.

Jay holds me closer while we reply tonight's conversation over and over.

One sentence exchanged dominates our thoughts, this is enough to nestle hope for the future in our hearts.

 _We'll find our way back to each other._

* * *

"You were kickass today." I took over at Jay from my stool at Molly's.

"Thanks." I chuckle breathlessly.

"You had so much authority. You're a natural." My mind is thrown back to the moments between Jay and I today, all of them silent exchanges.

There has been a shift in our relationship since he opened up about his family past, our looks speaking loudly for us.

Gone are the awkward glances, replaced by soft looks and those full of love and understanding.

Jay looked at me with such warmth today, proudness prominent in his gaze and the posture of his shoulders.

I smile over at Jay, enjoying the look full of want and need, no words spoken between us. We haven't flirted; the looks instead are comforting and bringing us back to a familiar time.

Hope fills me when I think that maybe the awkward, uncomfortable and hurt glances are behind us.

"Yeah, it was nice. Feeling independent. I think I need to discover that side of me more."

"Erin, you're independent." Jay raises his eyebrow in disbelief.

"Growing up, yeah maybe. But then I fell in with Charlie and I depended on him, then Hank took me in and the same there. I had this loyalty to him and I went to him with problems… and then I realized it was you. You were the one always looking out for me, had my best interest at heart and so… I let you in like you'd been asking." I shrug at him, hoping he'll understand my perspective.

"Then I left."

"I just feel like I have to stop being so dependent on others, you know? I understand the importance of leaning on people; I'm not shutting down. I just feel I could benefit from finding _me_. You know?" He's wearing a soft smile, giving me the encouragement I need in this moment.

"Yeah. I'm proud of you."

"I'm getting use to being independent, not relying on a guy." Jay nods again; I don't miss the uncertainty in his gaze.

"I think that's important for our relationship going forward."

"Oh?" Uncertainty washes away.

"Yeah. I think we'll be stronger for it." My eyes are sparkling as I smile over at him.

"Me too."

"So I heard the kid went flying when you kicked the door in." Jay laughs loudly, bringing a hand to cover his mouth.

"Hey, I warned him."

" _I already told you, son of a bitch_." I mock him, laughing also.

"Top five door kicks for sure."

"Wish I could have seen it." My eyes trail down his body, knowing I wouldn't mind seeing his ass in his tight jeans as he kicks a door in.

"I bet." My hazel eyes find his again, both of us wearing smirks.

* * *

Jay POV

"Let's do this." I wave the Blackhawks tickets at my brother, a smile already on my face.

"Ah, man. I'm sorry, but I picked up another shift. You know I need the money."

"Dude." Instantly my mind is consumed with Erin. If she were here, she'd call the look I'm wearing a pout.

I almost smile just thinking about her.

"It's on me. I promise I'll get us tickets for next week. All right?" I sigh, disappointed that I can't spend the night with Will. I was looking forward to talking out my problems with Erin, unsure how to convince her I'm not going anywhere this time.

"I gotta go."

"Alright man." He leaves me standing there; Nat sends me a smile as she walks past.

I nod at her in passing, tapping the tickets together as I realize this could be a blessing in disguise.

Sometimes the best plans are unexpected.

I pull my phone out and dial a familiar number, I smile when I hear her voice over the line.

"Get dressed, I'm coming to get you."

"What, why?" Her husky tone never fails to spread happiness through my body.

"I've got a spare ticket to the Blackhawks game. You know you want to…"

"I don't know Jay…" I can picture her biting her lip in thought.

"Don't make me go alone." I whine as I exit the hospital.

"Are you pouting Jay Halstead?" She chuckles through the phone.

"I don't pout." I fire back, only causing her to laugh harder.

"You do, it's cute."

"Well in that case, yes I am. Will you go?" I'm wearing a smirk as I climb in the drivers side of the car.

"What's in it for me?" I can practically see the smile she's wearing, her gorgeous dimples in her cheeks.

"Cold beer, grown men on skates… what's not to love?"

"Okay."

"Besides I'll be there."

"Are you trying to convince me or talk me out of it?" She laughs loudly before she hangs up.

* * *

"You look so cute in your jersey. Maybe even better now than when you pair it with boxers." Erin smirks as she teases me, tugging on my jersey.

"Hey, I like to be comfortable at home."

"I'm sure no one would be opposed if you decided to strip down here." She sends me a wink as drinks some beer.

"Why didn't we ever do this?" She asks suddenly.

"We should have. I selfishly liked having you all to myself at home."

"You gotta share Halstead." My arm moves to rest on the back of her seat, resting against her back.

"Never, not you." Her eyes drop to her beer as she bites her lip.

"Good." I take that word as consent to move my arm and cradle her against my body.

* * *

Erin POV

"This was nice." I look out the car window as Jay pulls up at my apartment building.

"Yeah, we never really did stuff like this."

"Or had a proper first date… we sort of just slept together." I chuckle, thinking back to when our relationship started.

"I wish we could do it over."

"No Jay. It's us. We're messy and imperfect. But it's us, I don't regret a moment I spent with you. Even when I say the opposite." Jay smiles brightly.

"Well this can be our do over." He winks at me.

"So, this is a date?" I raise my eyebrow watching him smirk back, a silent yes shining in his eyes.

"Well you know what happens next on a date…" I lean closer, pulling Jay in with my words. He moves to meet me in the middle, his expression hopeful.

Our gazes are locked as I look up at him through my lashes, lips getting close.

"You'd walk me to my door." I chuckle at the wounded look on Jay's face before swinging my door open and climbing out.

Jay jogs to catch up, his hand slipping in mine.

"Well if this is a date." He teases me when I glance down.

As we approach my door my heart is racing in my chest, my body craving his scent and touch.

"I had a really good time." My feet slow down, wishing our time together wouldn't come to an end.

"Yeah, I'm glad Will pulled out." We come to a stop at my door; I drop his hand to dig my keys from my pocket.

Our eyes are lost in each other, his lips brushing mine quickly before I can react.

"Sorry, couldn't resist." He whispers quietly, I bite my lip looking up at him.

I push up on my tiptoes to press our lips together again, my hands holding onto his jacket.

His hand comes up to caress my neck; our lips separate before pressing together softly again as his hand brushes my cheek.

"Goodnight." I whisper as I drop back down, unlocking my door and stepping inside.

"Night." I'm smiling as the door shuts, that familiar ache in my chest when he leaves, knowing it will linger until I see him again.

 **A/N: Okay, think this story is about to wrap. So I covered the whole Blackhawks game... whether or not you took issue with Med, I like this version better lol  
**

 **Do NOT even get me started on the whole Jay/ Erin aren't partners anymore thing.**

 **If you want to know my thoughts/ rant then find me on twitter lexicane :)**

 **Sadly, this will very likely be my last update for a month. I'm going away, first time off work in three years. I desperately need this, of course it happens when my dad needs three surgeries. But such is life. At least my sister looks to be in remission.**

 **Writing has been an escape for me... and I thank you guys for your reviews, they really are lovely to read.**

 **This isn't a goodbye, but a see you soon...**

 **There is a SLIM chance you'll see another update on If Only You Knew before I go, but with late nights at work to get everything up to date and my dad's first surgery Friday... I can't promise anything.**

 **Peace out x**


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